I’m sorry I can’t be perfect

Hey Dad look at me
Think back and talk to me
Did I grow up according to plan?
And do you think I'm wasting my time doing things I wanna do?
But it hurts when you disapprove all along..

Perfect - Simple Plan

. . .

Well I wasn’t really sure to post this, but if you’re reading this then I finally did. Oh and I’d like to warn you before that this post is just another worthless complaint. Those who don’t really care can just leave this page immediately.

Yeah it’s about my old man. It’s not that I don’t respect him; I do, in fact I really do, despite how he treats me.  And it’s not that I hate him or anything, he’s a good man, really, I mean.. I just..  I just have no one I can trust enough to share this with, so I figure out that I’d just let everyone know.. Stupid, I know. But I just can’t keep it all to myself anymore. Thought I might feel a bit better if I write it down. Though writing it down in a blog sounds as stupid, yeah. Whatever. It’s my blog and I can do whatever I want with it.

As time goes by.. I don’t know why I seem to get less easier to get along with my old man. Everything I do never seem right to him. I always do things wrong; at least according to him. He doesn’t yell at me and hit me or something -if you think that’s what being wrong means. But his words are enough to bring me down.

He always criticize me whenever I do things wrong. And even when I do it all the way around, it’s still so wrong to him. When I do things right, he never give me compliments, let alone encourage me. I just don’t understand, seems like I  just can never be good enough. ..And he always dissaprove me.

Now that I’m majoring in Chemical Engineering, it’s all because of him. You might’ve known that I’ve always been interested in computer and stuffs, yet I chose to major in ChE. He didn’t like the idea me majoring in IT, Computer Science and stuffs. (While he used to major IT himself.. Maybe that was where I started to have interests in IT/CS and stuffs) He kind of pushed me to take ChE. Don’t ask me why I didn’t try to persuade him or something, I did try. Didn’t work. I had a lot of consideration before I finally really took ChE, one of which is, of course, because he’s the one paying my tuition fees. Also, when I was trying to take documents-typing/translating as a part time job for the term break, he wanted me to do ethanol-producing instead. I’m just wondering, why can he never let me do what I like? It’s not like it’s a bad thing, either.

Oh maybe just for your information, my old man has been unemployed for a pretty long time now. He never have permanent job for the last few years. Even so, he has been trying to employ himself, tried to start his own business.. He had a lot of ideas and plans, unfortunately, almost none of them work, or at least last  long enough. Only one lasted until now; the internet cafe, and it’s been working rather lame lately. He’s starting another one recently..bioethanol-producing. Hope this one lasts and earns good enough.

It seems that I inherit his gene quite much. However, the bad characteristics seem to be dominating. The antisocial and egoistic characteristic he has seem to be passed on very well into me. Also because of the same egoistic way we have, seems that we can argue a lot and have it hard to settle it in pleasing ways.

Well the point is..I’m just sick of being wrong all the time! Why should I always be blamed?? I wish he could just encourage me, just for once! Gosh.. I mean, haven’t I been such a good child? Compared to my siblings, at least I’m much better..I think. I’ve studied hard, I’ve became a good student, I’ve got good grades, I even became the top student in the class! I won competitions, I graduated highschool with satisfying grades, I made it into university without having had to take entrance tests.. I also do the house chores (at least unlike my siblings who won’t even do a thing!) I took the academic field he wanted me to take although I was not really interested in it, tried to do well in it (and DID pretty well for the first term)  ..there! What else on earth should I do?? And he still won’t give me compliments or at least encouragement? Gosh.. all I need is support!

Don’t tell me to talk this through to him, I’ll just end up being blamed again, being wrong again.

Trying to be a good kid, I’ll just..try to make him happy?

Yea whatever



And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't pretend that I'm alright
And you can't change me

Cz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and we can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect..

Author: nadhilaaz

Still trying to figure it out.