Well hey, I’ve been gone a long time.. and now I’m back again. Haha. Doesn’t really matter, eh?
Well yeah.. for quite some time now.. I kinda lost my passion. I don’t know what I’m actually doing, where I’m heading, what I’m actually aiming at.. I feel like I’ve lost myself. I feel like I’ve lost meaning to life.. Ok the last one was a bit exaggerated, but feels as if it is so.
So..yeah it happened for quite a while, well let’s say.. pretty much along 2009, or at least the last half of it. Ok..yea, that’s a pretty long time. I kinda broke down, and desperately asking to myself, “What do you dream to be??”, or, “What are you actually good at??”, “What’s your real talent??”, etc.. and never found the answer. I was (or am I still?) so desperate.
Well, you see, everyone, ..anyone, must have their own problems in life. People have problems. They might break anytime. They may fall, they may cry, they may have the worst days of their lives. But then they stand up. They try to survive.. They fight. Because they have what they’re fighting for.. They have their dreams. And me..? 19 years of living, I haven’t got mine. Ain’t that sad?
Yes, dreaming is supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be the basic thing a human being can do, right? Yes.. I suppose it is.. But I don’t know why I can’t dream. Or maybe I had, but maybe before I held real tight to that dream, before I assure myself that’s the way I want to dream, I saw the world too far.. I saw the truth about the real world, and I..was pretty much trapped in it. In the system. In how the world goes, how the world flows.. And suddenly, there I goes with the flow..forgetting that I, once, was able to dream.
And here I am, after so long, passionless, dreamless.. So lost inside myself.
Then, I held my guitar. I started playing my guitar again. I sang my heart out. ..And I felt a bit of passion. I felt some sort of..pleasure, a happy feeling. Even though I know my vocal sucks, even though I know I don’t play guitar so good.. but I enjoyed it. For the moment, I enjoyed what I was doing..which is something I think I haven’t experienced for quite a while now. Then I thought.. could this be..? Is this what I should choose? ..music..?
I remember some time ago, I found some songs I used to like very much in my childhood days. Those songs were nice, easy-listening, and the lyrics..they have a lot of meanings in it. I feel sorry for children nowadays who don’t have the chance to know such beautiful and meaningful songs.. Then I thought.. If I were a musician, I wanna write songs like those, I wanna write songs that can teach a lot of things, but not lecturing.. songs like those songs from my childhood. But then again.. I was just daydreaming. I’m just a daydreamer, instead of a dreamer.
Nevertheless, there went my thought. Music..? Is it what I shall live with..?
But, again.. I paused. There are many concerns for that. I’m not cut out to be a musician. I never had good ears for music. I simply play and try to play the way other musicians play. I have to read tabs and the chords to play songs, otherwise I can’t play. I was never able to write my own music, and I can’t even write an arrangement for a melodically done piece. (I wonder if I got that last phrase right) ..Maybe I simply don’t cut out for music. Besides, I’m a Muslim woman. As far as I know, music isn’t the world for Muslimah. It is forbidden. (That’s as far as I know..Or is it still debated?) So.. I don’t know. Maybe I should just give it up. Maybe it’s only meant for my own entertainment. Besides, whom have I ever entertained with my music, after all? Hahaha.
And here I am, again, still in doubts with myself.. 19 years, and still trying to recognize myself..