The Contradicted Mind

Do you realize why you still suffer?

Because you still care about what others think.

You may say that you don’t, but it’s obvious what you’re doing. You’re hiding. You don’t want anyone to see you because you’re scared of what they might think about you. You still care about how others perceive you. That’s why you keep on pulling yourself away.

Oh, you do that because you don’t want to hurt anyone else? Who are you kidding? You’re not saving anyone, you’re saving yourself, aren’t you? You say that it’s better for people to not know you, because that way, no one else would get hurt by your mistakes, your stupidity, but really, it’s you who’s afraid of getting hurt, isn’t it?

Do you realize why you still feel miserable?

It’s because you still haven’t accepted yourself. Every inch of your being still refuse to believe who you truly are. You reject being yourself. Why? Is it because you don’t want to be wrong?

You’ve been wrong all this time. And you realize you were wrong. But you still won’t admit it. Because you’re afraid to try again, aren’t you? You’re afraid that if you’re wrong again this time, you don’t know what other alternatives there would be.

Or is it because you feel that it’s too late? But you do know that there are people who figured out late as well, don’t you? So why are you so scared? It’s not that late for you. So why are you so afraid?

It’s the former, isn’t it? You’re afraid to believe it because you’re afraid that you’d be wrong again. And you’re afraid to be wrong. Because you’re afraid of what people might say or think about you. And that bothers you a lot.

Do you realize why you’re lonely?

You always think that no one cares, but as soon as someone comes close and ask about you, you push them away. You want to be acknowledged, you want to be appreciated for who you are, but you never show yourself. Did you ever actually showed up?

And now you’re doubting everything. Questioning everything from the very beginning again. You moved two step forward, but then ten steps backward. What on earth are you doing?

You’re thinking of giving up. I know you do. But you’re still here. Which means that there’s at least one thing you still believe in. There’s still one thing that’s keeping you from not doing whatever it is you think of doing.

It’s tiring, isn’t it? Having all those contradictions inside you? Why can’t you just pick a side? Make your choice and be done with it?

Why can’t you just accept it?

Don’t you realize it’s the only way to truly make yourself at ease?

Author: nadhilaaz

Still trying to figure it out.