There are always options on how to make people comply or follow something.

You can make them comply by fear; make them feel small, feel guilty, feel like there’s no other way but to follow..
Or you can make them comply by love, by passion; make them feel special, feel like they’re good enough, that there’s still hope for them, and more beautiful things would come if they would follow.

Which do you think would be more inviting?

I Could Have Been..

The mega sports event Asian Games 2018 will soon comes to an end. Having watched so many athletes plays various sports in this event, I kept on thinking to myself; I could have been an athlete..

I don’t know if anyone has actually noticed, the last few years all my life I’ve been struggling to figure out what on earth I’m good at. That struggle has been fruitless. I suck at everything.

Well, perhaps ever since I was in school I’ve always been able to do many things, but I never knew what I’m really good at. I’ve been a jack-of-all trades, but master of none. Surely, I can do some things where my other colleagues can’t, but put me in that specific field, and I’m pretty much nothing. Among other people in that field, I got nothing special. Basically, I actually suck at it. And it applies to all of the things I thought I was good at.

Everything…except for sports. Or so I think.

Seeing all the athletes competing in various sports in Asian Games 2018, I very much regret for not having pursued sports. I’ve always been quite good at sports, and I liked it. I honestly have at least practiced and experienced competitions in several sports being competed in Asian Games, such as athletic, pencak silat, taekwondo, (mini) soccer..

Now I keep on regretting; man, oh man, I could have been an athlete. I could totally have competed in those sports. I could have been in this event.

But I am not.

I am still here, staring at these four walls wondering where on earth my life is going.

I always enjoy PE at school, I joined invitational and regional competitions, and I even still participated in various internal sports events in college and in the company I worked in. I always enjoyed doing it. I even enjoyed doing it more than my main job or task in the institution I was in. I even still competed in futsal competition while working on my undergrad thesis. Those moments always made me happy.

Why oh why I didn’t pursue sports as a career?

Well, I have to admit that I thought there was no future in sports career. I guess that’s also the way I was raised; my parents are the kind of people who thinks of sports as nothing more than a hobby. It’s not a way to make a living. Career in sports were still underrated and underappreciated (unless for badminton and men’s football, I guess). 10 years ago, even perhaps until a couple years ago, athletes are still underpaid, undertrained, basically neglected by the government. It seems that only since Indonesia was to become the host of Asian Games 2018 that the government started to put serious treatments to the Indonesian athletes.

But it’s already too late for me. I’m already past my prime years of physical condition. Even if I could start so late, I don’t even know how and where to begin. I don’t know if I could compete with much younger athletes. I’m physically and mentally too late.

And here I am, having no friends, no job, no skills, no achievements; still staring at the same four walls, wondering what the heck I’m going to do with my life.

It is Okay to be Not Okay

Oh gosh. I’m a mess.

This week I haven’t been my best. These two days have been the worst. I can barely think. I’m poor at making decisions. I feel like I’ve made terrible choices.

But I’ve made a commitment to publish a writing once a week, and since I haven’t posted anything this week, well, here goes..

So.. for the first time in quite a while, recently I’ve started disliking Monday again.

I’ve grown to like my job quite a lot the past few months, so I haven’t had any problem welcoming Mondays. In fact, I even looked forward to it.

However, in the last few weeks, going to work has somehow been kind of dreadful to me. I haven’t been enjoying going to work. There’s just this pressure and perhaps weariness I’ve been feeling. Also.. uneasy feeling. I can’t even comfortably talk about the things I always loved to talk about. I am filled with doubt, regret, and worries.

Well, maybe that’s the reason why I also feel so tired all the time.

I haven’t really been able to pinpoint the root cause, though I suspected some things to be the probable causes. I don’t feel like writing them here, but I’ve written pretty much all my thoughts and feelings in my journal, so… I guess writing about it hasn’t helped that much. I need to find a way to either figure it out or just to let it out.. whichever possible for now, because it seems to start affecting my thinking and decision making. I need to stop this before it becomes another drama.

Wish. Me. Luck.

P.S.: Today I’ve basically ruined one of the biggest opportunity I might ever have; the LC Lab Batch 2’s first showcase. It was showtime and I screwed up. Big time. I wasn’t even sure what I was about to talk about. I thought I’ve figured it out, but I feel like getting back to square one. I feel like I don’t even know what I’m actually aiming to do. Dear Lord.. please show me the way :'(

Well, for now.. I guess I’m just going to hold on to my new mantra:

“It’s okay to be not okay.”

Just breathe. Embrace yourself. Everything is going to be alright. :’)


..but To Love Is Not As Simple

Indeed, isn’t it?

Apparently, loving a child is somewhat complicated.

Many times it seems as if they don’t pay attention to what we say or do. As if they’re not listening to us. However, every single thing we do may apparently affect them for the rest of their lives.

I am not a parent (yet), but being a teacher somehow gives me insights of experiences of being a parent. I now understand how it might feel for parents, how they might worry whether what they’re doing or the choices they make are the right ones for the child. Because what they do right now might determine the rest of the child’s life.

Continue reading “..but To Love Is Not As Simple”