2018: A (Journey of) Reflection

3 months.

3 months since I somehow got back on my senses.

3 months.. perhaps it’s a reasonable period of time to do a whole lot of things.. until you suddenly feel so tired with no reason whatsoever. Feeling so uneasy completely out of nowhere.

Perhaps it’s a sign that it is time to reflect again.

. . .

For me, 2018 has been a year full of losses.

Yeah, I’ve lost quite a lot. I lost so much time. I lost my (full-time) job. I lost opportunities. I lost my kids. I lost my friend. I lost precious relations..

And I guess for quite some time then.. I lost myself.

I lost sight of who I am. And perhaps I still do, from time to time.

But at the same time, I feel like I keep on getting the chance to find myself all over again.

Does it make sense to you? I don’t mind if it doesn’t.. Everyone has their own timeline to encounter such things.

Losing something precious to you is never easy.

Moving on is never easy. But if you are patient enough to get over it, you sure would grow so much..

Or so I think. You might think otherwise. It’s okay. It’s perfectly fine to have your own opinion.

Either way, it is often harder to forgive yourself than to forgive others.

That one dumb big awful mistake you made, it may ruin you. Broke someone’s heart. Broke relations apart.

And you can’t even do anything to make it right again…

But then again, if it happens then so it happens.

Nothing is a coincidence. It is all meant to be.

It must be part of His Grand Plan, somehow.

. . .

I just hope I can get over it before I fall apart all over again…

Jakarta, soon ending December 2018.
@nadhilaaz

Social Media: The Mother of All (Current) Problems?

No, you’re not reading it wrong. Seems like it is indeed the mother of all problems these days.

As usual, this is not an academic writing, thus I wouldn’t want to bother too much citing different research and references about this social media  phenomena. You can just Google it, I’m pretty sure it’ll provide better results than I could.

It seems quite obvious how I am among those people affected by the nature of social media. You can see that my last post here was almost 2 months ago.. which is just around the time I re-activated my Instagram account.

And since then, I have been writing, still… but mostly on Instagram Stories.

Somehow, speaking in short term, it does feel kinda more rewarding, with instant gratification and all.. You don’t get likes in IGS indeed, but you still get gratification as well, you know.. with the numbers of viewers and all. (Oh and I guess the new feature for sending emoji(s) to the story you view also works as some kind of instant gratification as well, doesn’t it?)

Soooo yeah, sometimes I feel like writing my ideas and thoughts there is somewhat more rewarding, since I also know that more people would read it, I know there are more traffic there.. so if I were to express my ideas and influence people, I might say that it is somewhat more effective through Instagram Stories. I’m pretty sure not as many people read my blog as those who checks out my Instagram Stories.

Anyway, ever since I re-activated my Instagram account, I also frequently check my Instagram. It’s like, automatic. Very impulsive. Although I know that it’s actually not healthy. Hahaha. Dang it, social media is indeed addictive.

Ever since I took a social media break for several months in 2018, I’ve been thinking that social media is indeed toxic by nature. I mean, it is indeed like a weapon. If you don’t know how to wield it, it might hurt you. However, if you understand how to use it, it will help you fight.

So it is actually quite okay if you really understand how to use it. But by the level of toxicity it potentially has these days, it requires higher level of awareness / mindfulness indeed. If you’re not careful enough, it is rather easy to get caught up in the middle of something meaningless. It might even mess with your head, ruin your life.

Ahh, dang it, I just did it again. Randomly checked and swipe through several Insta-Stories while writing this. Whyyyyy. Hahahaha. It’s hard to control the impulse, maaaan.

Anyway, Instagram sure have the potential to kill productivity. It might at first be a friend to you to kill some time, but if you are not doing it mindfully, you might not realize just how much time you actually spent on this platform. Well, it does have a new feature now, which tells you just how long you’ve spent on IG for the day.. (But it doesn’t work on my account somehow! :<) However, information is just an information if you don’t decide to do anything about it.

Sooo yeah, it depends on your intentions. If you really wish to be more productive and spend less time on social media, you really got to clearly set your intentions to do so. Even better, write it down! Put several reminders in strategic places, somewhere quite visible to you. Visual cues should help. I am not yet very consistent in doing these kind of things, but some people agreed that such thing does help.

Well, uh.. at first, I feel like there are so much more I could write about social media and the title I used to represent this post, but.. I guess I can split it into different parts.

I suppose I just needed to write something as an exercise, after weeks of absence from this blog.. Like, a stimulus, perhaps. :)

So let’s call this part one! Lateeeeers~

It’s That Time of The Year Again, I Guess..

Yep, being the seasonal blogger I am, you know what it means when I suddenly show up on this blog again.

Gosh, it’s been almost a year since my last post, huh? Can’t believe time went by that fast.

Ah, I don’t know where to start..

The last one year has been such a roller-coaster of emotions for me. Oh, and I (almost) fell into depression (again). Yup, it’s been one helluva year. I survived that, though, and I began to love my job more than I ever loved anything I’ve ever done in my life.

But maybe.. I’ve fallen in love too deeply. And nothing with the prefix ‘too’ has ever gone good. I know I’ve always told myself to not care about what people say, as long as do what I believe is right.. But well, apparently letting your heart take control is not all that good after all.

I let my heart lead the way, but apparently I ignored my logic completely.. and I almost ruined everything.

I’m in too deep.

I don’t know why this always happens to me.  The moment I care, I ruin everything.

Because I’d do it wholeheartedly. I’d care too much.

And I ruined it. Again.

I might need to pull myself away for now. Keep my distance. Try to care less.

Thank goodness I have somewhere else to put my focus on..

“I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel..”

– Papa Roach, ‘Scars’

____

I have other news that might be more exciting to share, but.. in another post, maybe. Right now I’m just too mellow to write anything else..

But hey! Thank goodness for all those mellow-ness. Here I am writing again. Guess there’s always a brighter side to everything…

Surviving (Near-)Depression and Building Something Meaningful

I’m baaaack! (Yeah, well, you know the drill. As usual, I’m such a seasonal blogger.)

The last few months hasn’t been great for me actually. I almost fell into depression, if not actually depressed. And the last post about a place I belong? Boy how I was so wrong. Sekolah Alam is only great from the outside, but inside, it’s just as conventional as the school next door. At least that’s what I can say, based on my own experience. Not to belittle other Sekolah Alam, though.

Anyway, so now I’ve left the job at Sekolah Alam. I’m not proud of how I did, but I’m kinda glad I made the decision. I did went through terrible time after I resigned, I was in a very low point in the last few months, as if I didn’t know how to live anymore (yes, it was that bad)..but somehow I was able to pull myself back up. All praise to Allah, Alhamdulillah. And I finally figured out what I’m meant to do, or at least, what I really aspire to do.

Currently I’m back teaching as a freelance, looking for a suitable teaching job in alternative schools, and building networks in education. Last month I went to #PestaPendidikan in Bandung, and also joined Fitrah Based Education workshop. They were very insightful. I realized that what I enjoy the most is learning, and I’m always excited to learn, be it through seminars and workshop, or through interacting with people. I like talking about and spreading ideas, and get very excited when the people I talk to share the similar ideas.

Now I’m very excited to build @sekolahparenting, as a fitrah based education community. (Please do join! Any parents, parents to-be, educators or anyone who wants to learn and share about parenting are very welcomed.) Later when the community is solid, I think it’ll be much easier to build and develop a fitrah based school together. I’m very optimistic on this. Bismillah, I hope Allah Gives blessing on this plan.

It’s still a long way to go, but I think it’s gonna be an interesting journey.. Let’s collaborate! :)

It’s My Life

It’s my life
It’s now or never
I ain’t gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I’m alive

It’s my life
My heart is like an open highway
Like Franklin said, “I did it my way”
I just wanna live while I’m alive

Bon Jovi – It’s My Life

Lagu ini masih terus terngiang-ngiang di kepala gue sampe saat ini, tetapi itu nggak bikin gue kesel (seperti mungkin umumnya lagu yang terngiang-ngiang di pikiran), justru bikin gue lebih semangat :)

Ya, baru dalam 4 hari kebelakang ini gue bener-bener mendalami lirik lagu ini, dan meresapi maknanya. Ini hidup gue. Hidup gue adanya sekarang; nanti, besok, lusa, siapa yang tahu? Only Allah knows. Gue punya pilihan untuk menentukan hidup gue. Mau seperti apa? Mau dibawa kemana?

Dan ternyata gue udah pernah menulis tentang pilihan loh di sini. (Baru nyadar, hahaha. Terus sekarang nulis apa dong yah.)

Oh, iya. Kalau gitu sekarang gue nulis tentang kesadaran deh. Bahasa kerennya (eh, Bahasa Inggrisnya ding) sih awareness.

Apa itu awareness? Awareness adalah kesadaran. (Lah, dibolak-balik doang.)

Continue reading “It’s My Life”