Hanya Tak Ingin Merasa Sendiri

Kadang gue merasa gemes sama diri gue sendiri. (Bukan, bukan gemes yang begitu.)

Sebenernya gue gemes sama mayoritas manusia sih. Yah, sebelum nunjuk orang lain gue nunjuk diri sendiri dulu lah ya. Eniwei, hal serupa dilakukan oleh banyak manusia soalnya.. dan kayaknya itu jadi mempengaruhi pola pikir kita sebagai masyarakat. (Kita? Lo aja kali.)

Entahlah, tiba-tiba gue gemes aja sama diri gue sendiri. Lalu gue mulai bertanya-tanya sama diri gue sendiri.

Kenapa sih Dhil elo tuh kalo nulis mesti dicakep-cakepin?
Atau nulisnya tuh nunggu mood bagus dulu?
Atau mau ngepost cuma kalo tulisannya bagus, kalo kira-kira tulisannya “layak dibaca”?

Kenapa sih elo tuh berani nulis dan di-publish kalo lagi “waras” aja?

Yah, oke, mungkin gue bisa menyediakan berbagai alasan untuk menjawab itu, tapi sekarang rasa-rasanya ingin menuangkan dulu aja apa yang dirasa dan juga apa yang ada di dalam kepala.

Iya ya, kenapa gue tuh lebih sering nulis kalo lagi “waras” aja? Padahal kalo pas lagi butek, lagi kacrut justru banyak banget pikiran yang muter-muter aja terus di kepala. Nggak beres banget gitu isi kepala.

Nah terus ketika gue lagi kacrut dan ngeliat tulisan-tulisan “bagus” nan “waras” yang pernah gue publish, kok yha rasanya malah bikin tambah kacrut. Rasa-rasanya kayak di kepala gue ada yang bilang, “Yaelah, bisa-bisanya lo waktu itu nulis kayak gitu, terus sekarang lo kayak begini. Bullsh*t lo, Dhil!”

Lalu ketika mulai kembali “waras” gue berpikir lagi, “Oh wow, I could be so mean to myself.”

Entahlah, di satu sisi mungkin gue memahami (dan masih meyakini) bahwa menjaga image sebagai seorang Muslim, untuk menjadi “teladan” atau menjadi “representasi Islam sebagai Rahmatan lil ‘Alamin” itu perlu. Bahwa itu misi utama tiap-tiap orang yang beriman.

Tapi di sisi lain, terkadang gue merasa sedang menipu diri sendiri, dan mungkin menipu orang lain. Karena gue ternyata belum sebaik itu. Ternyata gue masih terlalu kacrut. Dan menjaga “image baik” ketika gue belum cukup baik itu capek bener brooooo.

Gue merasa seperti tidak menjadi diri gue sendiri.

Gue tuh selalu ciut melihat tulisan-tulisan orang lain, temen-temen gue sendiri, yang mereka tuh ya kok tulisannya positif-positif banget. Iya sih mereka memulai tulisan mereka dengan suatu “masalah”, tapi kok ya mereka bisa meramu itu jadi tulisan yang bagus dan bermuatan positif ya..

Kenapa gue enggak?
Kenapa gue tetep aja kacrut?

Lalu itu bikin gue makin kacrut.

Makin merasa ga cukup baik. Terus merasa ga berguna. Useless. Hopeless. Jadi tuh gue bisanya apaa? Kenapa gue begini-begini ajaaa?

Yha terus aja berputar-putar dalam lingkaran kekacrutan.

Entahlah, mungkin gue ternyata cukup beruntung bertemu dengan sumber ilmu, dengan para guru yang mengajarkan gue bahwa “it’s okay to be not okay”.

Bahwa jadi kacrut itu nggak apa-apa kok.
Nggak ada yang salah dari diri lo.

Jadi kacrut bukan berarti lo ga berguna.
Jadi kacrut bukan berarti elo ga bisa apa-apa.

Ternyata dalam Islam, kekacrutan itu sah-sah aja kok.
Bahwa kacrut itu juga bagian dari fitrah sebagai manusia.
Bahwa kekacrutan itu cuma sementara. Waras, produktif, efektif, itu juga cuma sementara. Semua itu dipergilirkan. (QS 3:140)

Jadi.. nggak apa-apa. Terima aja.

Kacrut lo banyak, tapi pasti lo punya kelebihan/kebaikan juga kok.
Nggak apa-apa. Terima aja.

Terima aja dulu kekacrutan lo.

You made mistakes.
You feel bad.
You feel hopeless.
You feel lost.

It’s okay.
Feel it.
Accept it.

It’s all a part of being human.

Mungkin justru itulah kenapa kekacrutan itu ada.
Karena manusia itu nggak mungkin sempurna.
Kacrut itu hanya sebagian dari esensi menjadi manusia.

Ketika lo ngerasa kacrut sedemikian rupa,
Nggak bisa cerita sama siapa-siapa,
Bahkan nggak tau mesti gimana menjelaskannya,
Cuma ada rasa nggak enak sampe menyesak di dalam dada..

Ketika lo merasa sedemikian kacrutnya, bahkan sampe rasanya ga sanggup lagi berbuat apa-apa…

Lo berpaling kepada siapa?

Lo ngadu sama siapa?
Lo minta pertolongan kepada siapa?

Ya sama siapa lagi kan kalo bukan kepada Dia yang menghadirkan lo di muka bumi?

Oh iya, jangan-jangan memang kekacrutan itu ada,
Bahkan terkadang nggak bisa dijelasin kenapa nya,
Cuma karena Allah pengen lo curhat sama Dia.

Mungkin itu “kode” dari Sang Pencipta, supaya lo ngobrol sama Dia aja.
Supaya lo mendekat sama Allah ‘Azza wa Jalla.

Lalu gue serasa diingatkan dan makin bisa memikirkan kenapa tujuan (purpose) hidup kita itu untuk beribadah (menghamba) kepada-Nya. (QS 51:56)

Karena emang elo tuh sejatinya bukan apa-apa selain hamba-Nya.

Kalo segala apa yang berharga; harta, jabatan, keluarga, segala status lo di dunia udah dikuliti, dilucuti sampe lo ga tau gimana cara mendefinisikan diri lo lagi… lo cuma tinggal punya satu hal yang bisa mendeskripsikan diri lo:

Hamba Allah.

Lantas kalo emang status lo cuma sebagai hamba, apa lagi yang mesti dilakukan, kalo bukan mengabdi, menjalankan tugas dari-Nya?

Apa lagi yang bisa lo lakukan untuk lepas dari segala kekacrutan diri lo, selain nurut aja apa kata Yang Menguasai diri lo?

Hati lo aja dengan mudahnya Dia bolak-balikkan.
Seketika aja dibalik jadi kacrut, lo bisa apa???

Eniwei… Kembali ke bahasan soal tulisan bagus nan waras versus tulisan kacrut. Apa hubungannya dah?

Ya.. itu. Gue tuh keseringan ngepost yang bagus-bagus aja. Padahal ternyata nulis pas lagi kacrut itu juga bisa jadi berfaedah.

Kadang.. menemukan bahwa ada orang lain yang juga menghadapi kekacrutan yang serupa, itu bisa jadi obat yang manjur juga.

Kadang, lo cuma butuh diyakinkan bahwa lo nggak sendirian.

Bukan, bukan untuk membenarkan “oh ada juga kok yang kacrut selain gue, berarti gue begini terus juga nggak apa-apa.”

Hellooooow~ emangnya enak yak berkubang dalam kekacrutan?

Bukan, bukan begitu.. justru ketika lo menemukan bahwa lo nggak sendirian, bahwa orang lain juga terkadang terjebak dalam kekacrutan, lalu dia berhasil melaluinya.. berarti lo juga bisa.

Iya.. mungkin kita, manusia, hanya tak ingin merasa sendiri.

As simple as that.

Jakarta, 9 Februari 2019.
@nadhilaaz, yang sedang menampol diri sendiri agar bangkit dari kekacrutan ini.

Skenario Terindah

Sejujurnya gue telah memutuskan untuk berusaha menghindari menulis dengan bahasa campur-campur, tapi gue lagi terlalu capek dan males mikir untuk nulis dalam bahasa Inggris, sedangkan dalam beberapa hal gue merasa perlu mengekspresikannya dalam bahasa Inggris karena kalo pake Bahasa Indonesia tuh kadang jatohnya “rasa” yang dihasilkan berbeda.

So, I hope you don’t mind if I mix in some English sentences once in a while.
If you mind.. ya gak usah baca aja kaleee. :D

Oh dan satu hal lagi, mengingat gue itu kalo cerita suka heboh dan detail banget, ini posting sepertinya bakal cukup panjang. Cuma mau ngasihtau aja sih, daripada sampeyan misuh-misuh karena ceritanya kepanjangan, kalo emang gak terlalu suka baca tulisan panjang, ya gak usah dilanjutin aja bacanya. Hehehe.

Jadi begini..

Sampe sekarang gue masih sering gagal paham sama cara kerja skenarionya Allah. Bener-bener deh, rencana-Nya itu super ajaib. Seringkali sama sekali gak kita prediksi. Kok ya tau-tau aja bisa begitu, di luar kebiasaan, dan lain sebagainya.

Salah satunya adalah kejadian dalam 24 jam yang lalu dari hidup gue.

Continue reading “Skenario Terindah”

Damaged Goods

Parenting trauma is super real, y’all.

It’s not always explicit like sexual or physical abuse or such, but the emotional trauma is as damaging.

It may damage you as a person. It affects your personality.

It’s true that education shapes people, but we often mistaken “school” for “education”. Believe it or not, the most of education takes place at home.

There are various research to prove this, but since this is not a scientific paper, I apologize for not citing any of those research. (Might as well do your own research, though. Read some parenting books, I’m sure you’ll find a bunch of references there. Oh and while you’re at it, do some research about fitrah-based education/FBE as well. You won’t regret it.)

Well, this is coming from a person who spend years of her life thinking that she could change things, thought that education is the root answer for everything, then found out that school system is an ultimately ineffective component of education, and also figured out that she is a combination of an ideal product of a failed education system and a terribly damaged product of a dysfunctional parenting.

Okay, that was disturbingly specific.

I know I usually try to keep it positive in this blog, but heck, people need to know this.
I am not a professional or an expert or anything in this, but I am speaking writing from the point of view of a person who has experienced the trauma. I don’t care anymore how people judge me, I’m already damaged as I am. At least I’m letting it out just for the sake of keeping me sane writing the truth.

I am who I am. And like it or not, this is me. I’m not really sure how my parents raised me, honestly I don’t remember too much. Perhaps my brain actively delete memories it doesn’t like. Anyhow, as I grew up, as I learn and know more, I figured out that some things are seriously wrong in my life.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do love my family. I’m grateful for them. But hey, it doesn’t change the fact that they made some terrible mistakes.

And this is how I turned out to be. All the crap and the good inside, if any.

This is how my personality turned out to be. This is how I was “programmed” to be, by everything that happens in my family.

Trust me, it works just like that.

Parenting is like programming.

Be it the habits in the family, how the parents talk to the children, what the parents do, how the parents think, they’re all what makes a person who he/she is. That’s how we all actually learn.

Oh on an important note; parents or family here isn’t necessarily biological, it also works as caretakers or whoever acts as one.

Anyway, so that is why I’m writing this. Everybody needs to know.

Education is important. And the most of education comes from parents.

Education starts from family.

Thus, it is urgent and important to learn how to be good parents.
It is not to be taken lightly.

True, there may not be such thing as the best parenting method. However, that is exactly why we all need to learn, so that we may know and understand well enough to choose which one suits us best.

Because in the end, we’re all left to make our own choices… and face the consequences.**

Well, this could be a longer post, but I guess I have pretty much made my point.

You know how there are some people that goes viral for doing some freakishly ridiculous things and you can’t help to wonder how people can do something so freaking bizarre?

And all the stupid things “netizen” say?

Have you ever wondered how these people were raised in their family?

Don’t blame the government. Don’t blame schools.
Ask ourselves, what are we doing as parents, as adults.
Did we prepare ourselves to properly raise another human being?

We need to break this chain, people. Let’s get to work.

#LearnParenting
#OrangtuaBelajar

**This is also one of the most important skills we need to teach children!

Compliance

There are always options on how to make people comply or follow something.

You can make them comply by fear; make them feel small, feel guilty, feel like there’s no other way but to follow..
Or you can make them comply by love, by passion; make them feel special, feel like they’re good enough, that there’s still hope for them, and more beautiful things would come if they would follow.

Which do you think would be more inviting?

I Could Have Been..

The mega sports event Asian Games 2018 will soon comes to an end. Having watched so many athletes plays various sports in this event, I kept on thinking to myself; I could have been an athlete..

I don’t know if anyone has actually noticed, the last few years all my life I’ve been struggling to figure out what on earth I’m good at. That struggle has been fruitless. I suck at everything.

Well, perhaps ever since I was in school I’ve always been able to do many things, but I never knew what I’m really good at. I’ve been a jack-of-all trades, but master of none. Surely, I can do some things where my other colleagues can’t, but put me in that specific field, and I’m pretty much nothing. Among other people in that field, I got nothing special. Basically, I actually suck at it. And it applies to all of the things I thought I was good at.

Everything…except for sports. Or so I think.

Seeing all the athletes competing in various sports in Asian Games 2018, I very much regret for not having pursued sports. I’ve always been quite good at sports, and I liked it. I honestly have at least practiced and experienced competitions in several sports being competed in Asian Games, such as athletic, pencak silat, taekwondo, (mini) soccer..

Now I keep on regretting; man, oh man, I could have been an athlete. I could totally have competed in those sports. I could have been in this event.

But I am not.

I am still here, staring at these four walls wondering where on earth my life is going.

I always enjoy PE at school, I joined invitational and regional competitions, and I even still participated in various internal sports events in college and in the company I worked in. I always enjoyed doing it. I even enjoyed doing it more than my main job or task in the institution I was in. I even still competed in futsal competition while working on my undergrad thesis. Those moments always made me happy.

Why oh why I didn’t pursue sports as a career?

Well, I have to admit that I thought there was no future in sports career. I guess that’s also the way I was raised; my parents are the kind of people who thinks of sports as nothing more than a hobby. It’s not a way to make a living. Career in sports were still underrated and underappreciated (unless for badminton and men’s football, I guess). 10 years ago, even perhaps until a couple years ago, athletes are still underpaid, undertrained, basically neglected by the government. It seems that only since Indonesia was to become the host of Asian Games 2018 that the government started to put serious treatments to the Indonesian athletes.

But it’s already too late for me. I’m already past my prime years of physical condition. Even if I could start so late, I don’t even know how and where to begin. I don’t know if I could compete with much younger athletes. I’m physically and mentally too late.

And here I am, having no friends, no job, no skills, no achievements; still staring at the same four walls, wondering what the heck I’m going to do with my life.