Damaged Goods

Parenting trauma is super real, y’all.

It’s not always explicit like sexual or physical abuse or such, but the emotional trauma is as damaging.

It may damage you as a person. It affects your personality.

It’s true that education shapes people, but we often mistaken “school” for “education”. Believe it or not, the most of education takes place at home.

There are various research to prove this, but since this is not a scientific paper, I apologize for not citing any of those research. (Might as well do your own research, though. Read some parenting books, I’m sure you’ll find a bunch of references there. Oh and while you’re at it, do some research about fitrah-based education/FBE as well. You won’t regret it.)

Well, this is coming from a person who spend years of her life thinking that she could change things, thought that education is the root answer for everything, then found out that school system is an ultimately ineffective component of education, and also figured out that she is a combination of an ideal product of a failed education system and a terribly damaged product of a dysfunctional parenting.

Okay, that was disturbingly specific.

I know I usually try to keep it positive in this blog, but heck, people need to know this.
I am not a professional or an expert or anything in this, but I am speaking writing from the point of view of a person who has experienced the trauma. I don’t care anymore how people judge me, I’m already damaged as I am. At least I’m letting it out just for the sake of keeping me sane writing the truth.

I am who I am. And like it or not, this is me. I’m not really sure how my parents raised me, honestly I don’t remember too much. Perhaps my brain actively delete memories it doesn’t like. Anyhow, as I grew up, as I learn and know more, I figured out that some things are seriously wrong in my life.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, I do love my family. I’m grateful for them. But hey, it doesn’t change the fact that they made some terrible mistakes.

And this is how I turned out to be. All the crap and the good inside, if any.

This is how my personality turned out to be. This is how I was “programmed” to be, by everything that happens in my family.

Trust me, it works just like that.

Parenting is like programming.

Be it the habits in the family, how the parents talk to the children, what the parents do, how the parents think, they’re all what makes a person who he/she is. That’s how we all actually learn.

Oh on an important note; parents or family here isn’t necessarily biological, it also works as caretakers or whoever acts as one.

Anyway, so that is why I’m writing this. Everybody needs to know.

Education is important. And the most of education comes from parents.

Education starts from family.

Thus, it is urgent and important to learn how to be good parents.
It is not to be taken lightly.

True, there may not be such thing as the best parenting method. However, that is exactly why we all need to learn, so that we may know and understand well enough to choose which one suits us best.

Because in the end, we’re all left to make our own choices… and face the consequences.**

Well, this could be a longer post, but I guess I have pretty much made my point.

You know how there are some people that goes viral for doing some freakishly ridiculous things and you can’t help to wonder how people can do something so freaking bizarre?

And all the stupid things “netizen” say?

Have you ever wondered how these people were raised in their family?

Don’t blame the government. Don’t blame schools.
Ask ourselves, what are we doing as parents, as adults.
Did we prepare ourselves to properly raise another human being?

We need to break this chain, people. Let’s get to work.

#LearnParenting
#OrangtuaBelajar

**This is also one of the most important skills we need to teach children!

Compliance

There are always options on how to make people comply or follow something.

You can make them comply by fear; make them feel small, feel guilty, feel like there’s no other way but to follow..
Or you can make them comply by love, by passion; make them feel special, feel like they’re good enough, that there’s still hope for them, and more beautiful things would come if they would follow.

Which do you think would be more inviting?

I Could Have Been..

The mega sports event Asian Games 2018 will soon comes to an end. Having watched so many athletes plays various sports in this event, I kept on thinking to myself; I could have been an athlete..

I don’t know if anyone has actually noticed, the last few years all my life I’ve been struggling to figure out what on earth I’m good at. That struggle has been fruitless. I suck at everything.

Well, perhaps ever since I was in school I’ve always been able to do many things, but I never knew what I’m really good at. I’ve been a jack-of-all trades, but master of none. Surely, I can do some things where my other colleagues can’t, but put me in that specific field, and I’m pretty much nothing. Among other people in that field, I got nothing special. Basically, I actually suck at it. And it applies to all of the things I thought I was good at.

Everything…except for sports. Or so I think.

Seeing all the athletes competing in various sports in Asian Games 2018, I very much regret for not having pursued sports. I’ve always been quite good at sports, and I liked it. I honestly have at least practiced and experienced competitions in several sports being competed in Asian Games, such as athletic, pencak silat, taekwondo, (mini) soccer..

Now I keep on regretting; man, oh man, I could have been an athlete. I could totally have competed in those sports. I could have been in this event.

But I am not.

I am still here, staring at these four walls wondering where on earth my life is going.

I always enjoy PE at school, I joined invitational and regional competitions, and I even still participated in various internal sports events in college and in the company I worked in. I always enjoyed doing it. I even enjoyed doing it more than my main job or task in the institution I was in. I even still competed in futsal competition while working on my undergrad thesis. Those moments always made me happy.

Why oh why I didn’t pursue sports as a career?

Well, I have to admit that I thought there was no future in sports career. I guess that’s also the way I was raised; my parents are the kind of people who thinks of sports as nothing more than a hobby. It’s not a way to make a living. Career in sports were still underrated and underappreciated (unless for badminton and men’s football, I guess). 10 years ago, even perhaps until a couple years ago, athletes are still underpaid, undertrained, basically neglected by the government. It seems that only since Indonesia was to become the host of Asian Games 2018 that the government started to put serious treatments to the Indonesian athletes.

But it’s already too late for me. I’m already past my prime years of physical condition. Even if I could start so late, I don’t even know how and where to begin. I don’t know if I could compete with much younger athletes. I’m physically and mentally too late.

And here I am, having no friends, no job, no skills, no achievements; still staring at the same four walls, wondering what the heck I’m going to do with my life.

It’s That Time of The Year Again, I Guess..

Yep, being the seasonal blogger I am, you know what it means when I suddenly show up on this blog again.

Gosh, it’s been almost a year since my last post, huh? Can’t believe time went by that fast.

Ah, I don’t know where to start..

The last one year has been such a roller-coaster of emotions for me. Oh, and I (almost) fell into depression (again). Yup, it’s been one helluva year. I survived that, though, and I began to love my job more than I ever loved anything I’ve ever done in my life.

But maybe.. I’ve fallen in love too deeply. And nothing with the prefix ‘too’ has ever gone good. I know I’ve always told myself to not care about what people say, as long as do what I believe is right.. But well, apparently letting your heart take control is not all that good after all.

I let my heart lead the way, but apparently I ignored my logic completely.. and I almost ruined everything.

I’m in too deep.

I don’t know why this always happens to me.  The moment I care, I ruin everything.

Because I’d do it wholeheartedly. I’d care too much.

And I ruined it. Again.

I might need to pull myself away for now. Keep my distance. Try to care less.

Thank goodness I have somewhere else to put my focus on..

“I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel..”

– Papa Roach, ‘Scars’

____

I have other news that might be more exciting to share, but.. in another post, maybe. Right now I’m just too mellow to write anything else..

But hey! Thank goodness for all those mellow-ness. Here I am writing again. Guess there’s always a brighter side to everything…

The Place I Belong

OneRepublic - Counting Stars. Play video for lyrics.

I just re-listened to this song thoroughly today, and realized that this is the theme song to my career turning point :)

Yes, I feel like I’ve given up a lot for the work I’m doing right now, but I think it’s totally worth it. I feel like I’m where I’m supposed to be. I’m in the best job I can possibly be in :)

Continue reading “The Place I Belong”