Being An Intellection Again (Finally Writing Again)

Hey y’all. Whoever y’all are. (I don’t know who ever actually read my blog.)

It’s been months of roller-coaster ride. I barely write here again since my last depression-ish period. No, this doesn’t mean I’m in depressive period right now, but as of today, the world is still in crisis due to the COVID-19 outbreak. And I’m currently in second week of self-quarantine, so it’s only a matter of time until I finally write again.

It doesn’t necessarily mean I haven’t been writing at all, obviously, because I don’t really have many options for letting my thoughts out other than writing.. but these days there are more platforms to choose to write my thoughts out, and more often than not, my thoughts are more like spurt of thoughts or slight emotional burst that I don’t feel like explaining much nor I don’t want them to stay too long out in the open, so I’d rather write them on IG story, letting them disappear after 24 hours.

I haven’t been writing serious stuffs, indeed.

I guess in the last few months, I haven’t been in my element. I’ve been almost completely out of my comfort zone, and it drained my energy a lot. So I didn’t have as much energy left for some serious writing.

Also, I’ve written most of my thoughts and stories on my Instagram captions for #30haribercerita last January (which challenge I did not complete either), pretty much summing up where I’ve been and what happened to me in the previous year, so I didn’t have as much material to write about in this blog.

And yeah, I haven’t been so much out of my comfort zone, that I had to spend most of my energy adapting to new dynamics. I basically got a job that I never even dreamed of doing, nor thought I would ever be capable of doing: facilitating preschool children.

It’s just so out of my element, it is not my strength nor in my skill set at all, but I thought it was a good opportunity to learn, so I accepted the job. But it is as hard or even harder than I thought it would be… in terms of managing my energy (and expectations).

So anyway, I adapted with all the dynamics for about 3+ months.. until this pandemic happened. Now I gotta adapt with a completely different dynamics again.

Handling 3 year-olds face to face proves to be challenging, but doable.. at least you can take your time and feel their energy and adjust accordingly. But having to give them instructions through online meetings, in front of their parents..? DUDE, I DON’T EVEN FEEL COMFORTABLE HAVING VIDEO CALLS WITH MY FRIENDS. Let alone “handling” children through online meeting?! It’s just absurd.

But anyway, I guess it’s just the way it is these days.. I can only adapt to it. It might take even more energy to do so, but then again, I just gotta take it one day at a time.

One day at a time.

#stayathome

Meeting Your 10-Years-Old Self: Evaluation on Life

A few weeks ago, I saw this #komik10tahun on Instagram and it sort of went viral among comic artists. There were many inspiring stories of how they imagine themselves meeting their 10-years-old self.

These stories inspired me to do an activity with my students.
I shared with my students about how most people actually “plan their lives” when they’re 10 years old. Not in high school. Not in college. Your real dreams and ambitions are created when you’re 10 years old.

It’s a prime age where dreams and imaginations start to meet the real world.

Continue reading “Meeting Your 10-Years-Old Self: Evaluation on Life”

It’s That Time of The Year Again, I Guess..

Yep, being the seasonal blogger I am, you know what it means when I suddenly show up on this blog again.

Gosh, it’s been almost a year since my last post, huh? Can’t believe time went by that fast.

Ah, I don’t know where to start..

The last one year has been such a roller-coaster of emotions for me. Oh, and I (almost) fell into depression (again). Yup, it’s been one helluva year. I survived that, though, and I began to love my job more than I ever loved anything I’ve ever done in my life.

But maybe.. I’ve fallen in love too deeply. And nothing with the prefix ‘too’ has ever gone good. I know I’ve always told myself to not care about what people say, as long as do what I believe is right.. But well, apparently letting your heart take control is not all that good after all.

I let my heart lead the way, but apparently I ignored my logic completely.. and I almost ruined everything.

I’m in too deep.

I don’t know why this always happens to me.  The moment I care, I ruin everything.

Because I’d do it wholeheartedly. I’d care too much.

And I ruined it. Again.

I might need to pull myself away for now. Keep my distance. Try to care less.

Thank goodness I have somewhere else to put my focus on..

“I can’t help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I’m sorry but I gotta move on with my own life

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel..”

– Papa Roach, ‘Scars’

____

I have other news that might be more exciting to share, but.. in another post, maybe. Right now I’m just too mellow to write anything else..

But hey! Thank goodness for all those mellow-ness. Here I am writing again. Guess there’s always a brighter side to everything…

Surviving (Near-)Depression and Building Something Meaningful

I’m baaaack! (Yeah, well, you know the drill. As usual, I’m such a seasonal blogger.)

The last few months hasn’t been great for me actually. I almost fell into depression, if not actually depressed. And the last post about a place I belong? Boy how I was so wrong. Sekolah Alam is only great from the outside, but inside, it’s just as conventional as the school next door. At least that’s what I can say, based on my own experience. Not to belittle other Sekolah Alam, though.

Anyway, so now I’ve left the job at Sekolah Alam. I’m not proud of how I did, but I’m kinda glad I made the decision. I did went through terrible time after I resigned, I was in a very low point in the last few months, as if I didn’t know how to live anymore (yes, it was that bad)..but somehow I was able to pull myself back up. All praise to Allah, Alhamdulillah. And I finally figured out what I’m meant to do, or at least, what I really aspire to do.

Currently I’m back teaching as a freelance, looking for a suitable teaching job in alternative schools, and building networks in education. Last month I went to #PestaPendidikan in Bandung, and also joined Fitrah Based Education workshop. They were very insightful. I realized that what I enjoy the most is learning, and I’m always excited to learn, be it through seminars and workshop, or through interacting with people. I like talking about and spreading ideas, and get very excited when the people I talk to share the similar ideas.

Now I’m very excited to build @sekolahparenting, as a fitrah based education community. (Please do join! Any parents, parents to-be, educators or anyone who wants to learn and share about parenting are very welcomed.) Later when the community is solid, I think it’ll be much easier to build and develop a fitrah based school together. I’m very optimistic on this. Bismillah, I hope Allah Gives blessing on this plan.

It’s still a long way to go, but I think it’s gonna be an interesting journey.. Let’s collaborate! :)

Indonesia

Aku ingin hidup normal, katanya

Perlu kau tanya kenapa?

Entah apa yang dirasa normal baginya

Tapi ia pernah berkata

Nama itu terlalu berat dipikulnya

Entah kapan ia terakhir merasa bahagia

Kusangka setelah ia menemukan kawan perjalanannya

Ia akhirnya akan bahagia

Namun ternyata terus begitu sendu hatinya

Entah mengapa

 

Mungkin aku memang bukan siapa-siapa baginya

Mungkin aku tak punya tempat lagi di sana

Tapi sungguh ku hanya ingin yang terbaik baginya

Sungguh ku selalu ingin hadir untuk dirinya

Apa yang bisa kulakukan untuknya?

Ketika ia seperti tak ingin mendengar apapun selain isi pikirannya

Bagaimana aku bisa membantunya?

Ketika ia sepertinya sudah menyerah untuk bahagia?

Jakarta, 11 September 2016.