It’s A Fine Line

For the longest time, I’ve always wondered where I belong. I guess I’ve always been aware that I’m just different from most people. I think differently, I see things differently, I work differently. It took me a long time to understand and accept that.

I used to think that I’m such a weirdo for being so different. I felt so out of place, out of frequency. Since I could get along with people and got into any circle just fine, I thought that I was quite adaptable, that I could fit in anywhere just fine.

But the truth is… being able to “fit in” anywhere, I felt like I belong nowhere.
Perhaps I was just changing myself just to fit in? I don’t think I was aware of that back then, but now… I guess I can see that I’ve been trying too hard.

I used to think I found somewhere I belong… somewhere I felt safe enough to be truly myself. Someone, somewhere to call home. But I ended up losing them and ruined everything, thanks to the place I had called “home”. It had shaped me into someone who did such dumb awful things. I can’t say it’s not completely my fault, as I’m the only one who’s responsible for my actions… but dammit, sometimes it’s hard to know what to think. Can’t blame others, yet it’s also wrong to keep on blaming and hating myself. I still find it hard to forgive myself over that.

But hey, it happened. It was what it was.

Wait, this train of thought has taken a detour. Where were we?
Ah, about being different.

Well, the more I learn and dive into the knowledge of the self, human behavior, the knowledge about being, about the soul, spirituality, and so on… the more I learn to come to terms with that.

That I am okay with being different. That I was designed to be this way, and it must serve some kind of purpose.

To that point, I guess I’ve completely accepted that.
But what sort of purpose? That’s the thing that I still just haven’t figured out.

I mean, okay, so I was designed to think, work, and see things differently from most people. And that kind of thinking, that perspective, is supposed to be able to help people, to use that different perspective and ways of doing things to guide people to do things differently.

Like, how?

If I think and see things differently from people, how am I supposed to live among them? How am I supposed to get them to understand what I see? How am I supposed to get them to accept these differences?

Didn’t they used to burn so-called “witches” for sh*t like this?

I don’t mean to complain, but I guess it’s just been bothering my mind.
I mean, I guess I’ve been feeling kind of okay with living a slow, quiet life, limiting my exposure on social media, working on things in my own pace, taking (a little bit) better care of myself, and so on. I learn to cut down on my wants and learn to listen more to what I need. I mean, so far it’s quite peaceful, I suppose. Taking it one day at a time.

But sometimes I also can’t help but wonder, is this the life I’m supposed to live? Or am I wasting my potential?

Am I supposed to do things that comes easy for me, which is said to be my true potential in my design, or am I supposed to strive to achieve something?

(But of course this kind of thinking mostly happens after I look at other people’s updates on social media. So… y’know. Could be just another wave of FOMO anxiety.)

I don’t know. Some say it’s human nature to have desire for growth.

But I don’t know. Where is the line between being content and accepting things for the way they are, and the desire for growth? How to tell?

How can we tell when to choose to let go and let God, and when to choose to fight for something?

How to choose to fight for something, when everything that matters enough to fight for is always temporary in this finite world?

How, indeed…

19.03.24
#observinghumanbeing

Dear Sunrise

This song evokes so many emotions somehow. I suppose it means a lot, not only to the journey of this epic story and everyone involved in it, but also to my personal experience. It keeps playing in my head since the first time I listened to it. This song and the first ending song sung by the same artist (Otsuki Maki – Memories) really has a special place in my heart. I suppose other people may feel the same.

But to me, personally, this song and its title, the way it addresses the object of the song — “sunrise”, “the one that smiles like the sun”, it really hits the sensitive notes for me… for a very particular reason.

It brings back many memories about a person. Memories that I’ve been struggling to let go of…

Throughout the years, I have learnt that holding on to memories and the feelings attached to it is not healthy, most of the times. It often leads to unhealthy attachment to the past, instead of living in the present.

It doesn’t matter whether it’s sad memories or happy memories. If it’s sad, then you may feel sad again. If it’s happy memories, then you may feel sad because it exists in the past, it’s no longer here.

But it is such a contradiction. Without the past, without those memories, who are we right now?

Theories say that we are in control of our actions now. We can only choose who we want to be, what we want to do, now.

But in reality, people always want to know who we were, who we’ve been, what we’ve been doing. Apparently, despite of only being able to choose who we are now, what we do now, it’s not enough. There is not enough substance to who we are now, without who we used to be or what we’ve done before now. No one can truly start over, can they? The past will catch up with you sooner or later.

Is it an illusion of choice? Human beings are so full of contradictions.

But through this song, I’m reminded that feeling such emotions from those memories is better than being numb.

It’s a reminder that I’m still human. That it’s all a part of the journey.
Though I still don’t know where it will lead me to.
I just need to keep on going. Believing that I’ll get there someday.
No matter how painful, no matter how difficult.

I’m still here. I’m still singing.

Dore dake hashittekita no ka?
Wakaranai mama kizuato kazoeta
Zutto atama no naka ni aru takara no chizu
Mirai o sagashitsuzuketeru

Hontou no yakusoku wa mune no motto oku ni aru
Dare mo mina oitsukenai yume
Tada hitotsu dakishimete

Taiyouna no ni warau anata e
Ano hito onaji uta o utaou
Otona ni natte mo wasuretakunai
Kono negai ga todoku made

Dore dake namida o nagashita?
Akirechau hodo egao ga afureta
Zutto kokoro no naka ni aru omoide dake
Shinjite tabi o tsuzuketeru

Yuzurenai jounetsu wa umi no ue no motto hate ni aru
Itsu no hi ka hito tsunagi no yume
Yuuki o mikata ni shite

Taiyouna no ni warau anata e
Kujike souna hi mo uta o utauyo
Koe ga karete mo oboeteitai
Donna toki datte mo

Taiyouna no ni warau anata e
Ano hito onaji uta o utaou
Otona ni natte mo wasuretakunai
Kono negai ga todoku made

How far have we been running?
Counting scars without knowing
Always in my mind, a treasure map
Countinuously searching for the future

The true promises are deeper, deep within the heart
Dreams that no one can catch up to
Just hold on to that dream

To you who smiles like the sun
I'll sing the same song as that day
Even as we grow older, I don't want to forget
Until this wish reaches to you

How many tears have I shed?
Smiles overflowing to the point of amazement
Only memories in my heart
Believing and continuing the journey

The unwavering passion is even further beyond the sea
Someday, a connected dream
With courage as an ally

To you who smiles like the sun
Even on days when I feel like giving up, I’ll sing
Even if my voice grows hoarse, I want to remember
No matter how far away we may be

To you who smiles like the sun
I'll sing the same song as that day
Even as we grow older, I don't want to forget
Until this wish reaches to you

Otsuki Maki, “Dear Sunrise”

Burned

Misunderstandings lie beyond the sky 
Is my life only filled with goodbyes? 
I get a glimpse of the future and still 
I guess it's goodbye

everything about nostalgia is too painful for me now. now that you’re no longer here.

well, indeed, you haven’t been here for a long time. but I thought it was just a typical “life happens” out of touch sort of thing.

but then there you were. finally answering me.
and so there you were. cutting me off.
for good, this time…?

it’s been ten months, but it still feels like yesterday. my whole world shattered upon knowing that you’ve never really gotten past of what happened all those years ago. that it still hurt you all this time. it all came rushing back to me. all those stupid things I did. why did I do it? how could I let myself do that to you?

you said you’ve forgiven me, but if you did, why did we end up this way?
guess you did say that you just can’t trust me no more. I don’t blame you. I don’t think I trust myself either. but unlike you, I don’t think I can forgive myself for this.

it’s too hard, watching you walk away and burn the bridge behind.
it’s too painful, knowing that you’ve chosen to not see or hear me anymore.

you were the one precious thing in my life I wanted to protect, but I failed you. instead, I was the one to hurt you. I was the one you trusted, yet I crushed it altogether.

I don’t know how it took me 15 years to realize that you haven’t forgiven me back then, that you never got past it. I thought we’ve reconciled a few years ago and understood each other again after everything that’s happened since then. how foolish I was to ever think everything was okay.

so this is it, huh? it’s irreparable? it’s truly over?
was it already over a long time ago?

it’s been almost a year since the last time I could reach you. I guess you’ve really moved on, haven’t you? the pain still feels like yesterday to me.

you’re so out of reach now. I don’t know if you’ll ever hear me again. but for what it’s worth, if you ever choose to turn your head around, well, here I am. as I’ve always been. saying my piece, hoping it still means something.

If only I had done this back then
If only I could go back to that day
But I'll never be the way I used to be

I know that there’s just no place for me anymore in your life now, we’re just too far apart, even in our hearts and minds. and no matter how I wish that I can turn back time, I cannot go back and change the past. I cannot undo what I did back then.

I wish I could. I wish I could.
I know my apologies mean nothing to you anymore, but I am truly sorry.
I wish I could take away all the pain and hell that you’ve been through. wish I never did what I did. well I guess it’s time to pay the karma, huh? it’s been hell for me ever since you told me the truth and walked away.

I want to swear that I’m no longer the same person I was all those years ago, I’m no longer that stupid little kid who did that to you. but maybe you’re right, I just can’t be trusted.

maybe I’m still that stupid little kid deep inside, longing for some company. longing to be loved. and still don’t know how or if she even deserve to be loved.

I can’t change the past. and I don’t know what the future holds.
I’ll just try to make it through today. I’ll make do somehow.

Goodbye, that's enough
Have a good life somewhere
Goodbye, I can manage on my own somehow
Goodbye, that's what I'm gonna do

Last Hope

have you ever lost all meaning and struggle to find a reason to live? I have, multiple times. perhaps still struggling in the middle of one. I don’t know what’s keeping me here, to be honest. could be a little speck of faith. or perhaps it’s nothing but fear.

go on, call me a coward. call me weak. call me whatever. lay your judgment on me. I am so done with comments and judgments. is there anything I ever got right? everything I’ve done… it’s just never enough.

no matter how much I wish to stop existing, no matter how much I wish to be put out of my misery… I’m still here. yet I still don’t know why. what for. to what end. for what purpose.

why am I here? what am I supposed to do? what is it that I can do that no other soul can’t? why does it have to be me?

there were times when I thought I’ve found the answer, but I guess I was wrong.

I don’t know. I’ve asked so many times, I’ve tried so many times, I still got it wrong. and it left nothing but pain. a trail of destruction.

someone wise would say pain comes with lessons. experience. wisdom.

but I guess I’m just far from it.

yeah well, I’ve been taught that everything is a matter of perception, framing, what meaning you give, yadda yadda…

I don’t know. I guess I just can’t seem to find that higher meaning to replace it. I thought I did… but I was proven wrong. guess I just don’t have anything that really matters anymore. maybe I’m really that messed up on the inside.

hence, the struggle to find a reason to live continues.

I don’t usually write this brutally honest in the open… I’m used to suffer in silence, because I know how vicious the world can get. they are not kind to those who suffer. one small mistake, one bad image, and they would do anything to bring you down. what an invention, the cancel culture.

but who am I to be worried about getting cancelled anyway? a nobody. so why bother?

and why even bother showing up? I am so tired of living up to the standards of other people. so tired of trying to outcompete others just for a mediocre wage, selling my soul as a pawn of a materialistic, capitalistic system. so tired of this chaotic mess of a world.

or perhaps it’s much more messy on the inside than the outside. then again, why bother? can’t control most of the outside. let me deal with this shipwreck of the inside.

so why write this? I don’t know. I don’t know what came over me. maybe I’m just tired of struggling in silence. maybe writing it makes it less lonely. maybe writing it out has some meaning. I don’t know.

maybe I’m looking for a last spark, a last strand of hope.

maybe even when deprived of hope… there’s still something I can do.

maybe I can do what I can do… for now. whatever I can think of… right now. that’s not nothing, is it? there is nothing wrong about it, is there? who’s to say otherwise?

maybe this is the least I can do. and then some.

maybe there is nothing wrong with taking it one day at a time…

that’s the only way life can be lived anyway, isn’t it? one day at a time?

Bitterness

everything feels bitter. is it better than emptiness? I have no idea. I don’t even know what defines “better”. I’ve lost all definition. perhaps I’ve lost my way.

everything feels bitter. is it better than feeling numb? perhaps I’ve tried too hard to make myself numb. yet I still feel it. I still suffer from the pain. perhaps I’m still human afterall.

and then I’m gone. gone again. perhaps it’s for good this time. because there is no way back. the damage is done. and there is nothing I can do to fix it.

I never chose to burn any bridge. but I surely sparked the fire, didn’t I? or perhaps I doused it in fuel. or maybe I cracked the foundation.

it’s gone. the bridge has burnt down.

either way, it’s burnt down. nothing left to salvage. nothing left to build from.

how do you undo a mistake from so long ago?

15 years failing to see that I fixed nothing. it happened, in just a matter of seconds. terrible decision making. poor self-control. no self awareness whatsoever. you stupid, stupid kid.

and then you tried to evade it. you tried to run away from it. but perhaps you were just trying to outrun the guilt. because somehow you came back and tried to atone for it. you tried to fix it, without even addressing it.

you never admitted it, did you? you never spoke of it, did you? you never actually apologized for it, did you? you just acted like it never happened. you tried to make up for it instead, a hundred different ways. you tried to fix it. yet you never addressed the actual problem. that one huge mistake.

and it’s a snowball rolling all downhill from there. came crushing down 15 years after, in the size of an avalanche.

didn’t destroy just the one bridge, no. it took down many other bridges along the way.

it took down towns, villages, libraries, roads, everything built in almost two decades. it crushed down everything in its path. it was destruction waiting to happen.

how do you undo it?

how do you come back from that? knowing that you’ve destroyed everything long before you even build it?

Doubt

The insecurity for not being like others.
The insecurity for not defining success like most people would.

Feeling insecure for not functioning like most people do.
Feeling different. Misunderstood. Being the odd one out.

Nothing’s wrong with me, some people just work differently.
Keep telling myself that uniformity is not what mankind was designed to be.
Keep telling myself that I need to hold on to that authenticity.

But the doubt and insecurity has a way to creep up on me.
Like an old friend showing up when they’re least expected.
Then I would just let them linger because they feel familiar.
Or perhaps I just still don’t know how to make them leave.

Ironic, isn’t it? When I seem to have succeeded in pushing everyone away from me.
Or perhaps I’m desperate for a company?
So I let doubt and insecurity stand by me?

Apa Aku Bukan Orang Baik?

Sejak dulu, aku bukan orang yang rajin terlibat dalam kegiatan sosial. Aku bukan orang yang sering terlihat di berbagai aktivitas kerelawanan.

Apa aku bukan orang baik?

Sejak dulu, aku kurang peka akan perasaan orang lain. Aku juga tidak mudah terhubung dengan orang lain.

Apa aku bukan orang baik?

Sejak dulu, aku tidak suka berbasa-basi. Aku enggan membuka percakapan dengan orang lain, apalagi yang tidak kukenal baik.

Apa aku bukan orang baik?

Saat ini, aku tidak sempat memikirkan hidup orang lain. Aku masih berjuang untuk menyelamatkan hidupku sendiri. I am trying to survive.

Apa aku bukan orang baik?

Legacy

This title has been left in the draft since April 2020, but apparently I’ve never even written anything in it, just a title. Hmm, wonder why.

I guess I’ve been thinking about this topic since two years ago, but never really gotten around to any substance until now. Most likely. Well, I guess the time is now? Let’s see where we’ll get to this time.

---

As mortal beings, I think it is natural for us humans to think about life and death and their meanings. The majority of human beings might be aware of the circle of life, but might not be likely to spend much of their time being aware of its meaning and consequences. Nevertheless, it is in our nature as biological beings to survive and ensure the survivability of our species. Even further, as intellectual beings, we also have the urge to ensure the survivability of each of our very own identity.

And I guess that is what we would call a legacy.

In the hustle and bustle of this modern society, I suppose it is really easy to get swept by the rushing lifestyle of the digital world. The quick and short and never-ending streams of information keeping us company as we go on about our lives, most likely to keep ourselves busy enough to not think of the uncomfortable question:

Bermanfaat

Beberapa tahun terakhir sepertinya saya lumayan sering merenungkan makna kata itu. Barangkali sejak memutuskan untuk banting stir arah karier keluar dari jalur korporat, memilih untuk eksplorasi passion, purpose & mission, lalu akhirnya mengalami major identity crisis yang pertama kali, hahahaha.

Mungkin juga karena sejak lama udah diajarin prinsip yang berasal dari hadits, “Sebaik-baik manusia adalah yang paling bermanfaat bagi manusia lainnya.”

Tapi entah kenapa sejak mengalami major identity crisis yang pertama itu (dan ternyata bukan terakhir kalinya hahaha), meski saya selalu berpegang pada prinsip sesuai hadits tersebut, fokus pada tujuan/purpose, berorientasi pada mission bukan sekedar passion, ingin selalu berkarya memberi manfaat sebesar-besarnya buat orang lain, dll dst… tapi kok saya merasa lelah amat ya? Kayak setiap kali merasa udah di jalur yang benar… selalu aja kepentok dan jatuh dan hancur. Udah gitu sakitnya ga nanggung-nanggung lagi. Like my heart just got shattered into a million pieces. Again and again. Hahaha terdengar lebay, tapi aseli pedih men. Sadar sih ujianNYA emang selalu mendadak dan ga bisa ditebak, tapi ya kenapa mesti telak banget gitu sih, selalu kenanya di hati pula. Emang berarti belom lulus-lulus juga kali ya sayanya. Hahaha.

Secukupnya

Kalo dinilai pake kriteria penilaian mayoritas masyarakat kapitalis modern, maka sepertinya hidup saya setahun terakhir (akhir 2021 – akhir 2022) tergolong tidak produktif. Soalnya, setahu saya, produktif di mata mereka itu artinya punya pekerjaan/pemasukan tetap atau ya apapun yang menghasilkan cuan. Lah saya malah cashflow aja minus (pemasukan ga ada, pengeluaran ada terus ha-ha-ha).

Entah ya, tapi kalo menurut KBBI Daring sih definisinya begini:

pro.duk.tif

1. a bersifat atau mampu menghasilkan (dalam jumlah besar):perkebunan itu sangat —
2. a mendatangkan (memberi hasil, manfaat, dan sebagainya); menguntungkan:tabungan masyarakat dapat dipinjamkan kembali untuk keperluan —
3. a Ling mampu menghasilkan terus dan dipakai secara teratur untuk membentuk unsur-unsur baru:prefiks meng- merupakan prefiks yang —

Kalo pake definisi menghasilkan, ya saya masih bisa menghasilkan buah pikir berupa beberapa tulisan di blog ini dalam periode waktu tersebut, berarti saya masih masuk kriteria produktif dong ya. Hahaha.

Kalo ada yang ga sependapat, ya gapapa. Penilaian kan tergantung siapa yang menilai dan pake kriteria apa. Saya pake kriteria sesuai definisi KBBI, bukan kriteria mayoritas apalagi kriteria netizen. Kalo ga sepakat yowes ga perlu dinilai lah ya, mari sepakat untuk tidak sepakat. (Heran, masih banyak aja orang yang lebih milih sepakat untuk bersengketa daripada sepakat untuk tidak sepakat.)

Terus intro yang panjang dan mulai ngelantur ini ke mana sih arahnya?